I can't tell you how many times over the last few week I have sat down to write in my paper journal or type this post. I couldn't bring myself to do it. You see, I was given a membership into a Mommy club that no Mother wants to be in. The fees and dues to his club are high and I don't know if I can afford to make these payments.
I never thought I would be sitting in a room with a Doctor who would tell me that I was too far along in my pregnancy to terminate it, but there I was. Our little boy has a few health issues that will require monitoring over then next 15 weeks. Two of those issues will not go away. He has a severe bilateral cleft lip. This is when the lip doesn't fully grow and fuse together during the first trimester. In addition to that he has a cleft palate. This one is harder to determine the severity until he is born but we have been told what to expect. Your palate is what separates the mouth from the nasal cavity. This will cause great feeding concerns for our baby as he may not be able to swallow. The next two problems deal with his heart. He has a small hole and a valve that leaks. Both of these things are small at the present time and they will be monitored to see that they don't grow as he does.
So there it is, for the world to see. My baby already has a full blown medical chart and his arrival into this world will be welcomed by a team of doctors who will try to make his life a little better, a little easier. We will spend many hours at the hospital, clinics, and labs. Then when the doctors tell me he is strong enough, I will hand him over to them and trust that the doctors will hand him back to me.
I have wondered a lot lately, am I strong enough? This all seems like a really bad dream I am am still waiting to wake up...
7 comments:
You're in my prayers Amanda.
It certainly won't be an easy time for you, but I know you have the strength to deal with the challenges coming your way. More importantly, God knows you have that strength. I really don't know what I would do in that situation, but I guess the only thing one can do is plough through, and hold on tight to your faith. xx
Tell Becca her teacher says hello...
You will be able to do it! You will have to rely on the love and support of others and remember to cry when you need to. I will be praying for your family.
I'm sure it all seems like a dream. You will be able to do it. I admire the strength I see in you (like managing three children alone in sacrament meeting) I too will pray for you!
You may not want this type of "membership", but you will find support through your family, the ward family, friends, and especially through the Savior that can lift your heavy heart of those burdens that you are carrying.
Even though none of us, who have children with health concerns would ever want them to go through these experiences, I wouldn't trade what I learn because of it.
I know they are especially being taken care of and are in the hands of the Savior, when you can't always be with them.
You are already amazing, you're a mother of twins!
Christina
Yes, I belong to a mommy club I never wanted to. Yes, I didn't think I had the strength to face it. BUT, I did. And so will you. Don't doubt yourself.
We love you and are thinking of you during this time period. We sure don't always want the things that come our way but so often they are blessings that we wouldn't trade for anything. I just hope and pray that your little one is a little fighter and teaches us all something about life.
You will make it...There will be lots of people who care for you that will help and support you in anyway we can! It won't be easy though. You'll have our prayers too!!
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