Noise

My house has been filled with the laughter of all three kids since Thursday. It has been so nice to have them home and enjoying being here. Daniel is in his glory cause his big brother and sister are here to entertain him. Michael builds space ships out of his Lego, one for him and one for Daniel. I can't help but fall into a puddle of mush watching these two boys play. They are so much alike and it is hard to believe that we will be adding another little man into this family. Rebecca is my light. She is such a big helper and begs to do things around the house for me. She cleans the front closet, arranging all the shoes nicely. She likes to cut the vegetables up for supper. She helps me put away the laundry and even changed Daniel's clothes and diaper for me. I am sure that this won't last forever, but for now I am grateful.

I am heading off for another ultrasound tomorrow. I am excited cause my sister who is due three weeks before me is having one done just before me. I am so excited for her and her family to be welcoming this little lady into their home. She is such a good mom to her boys and their new addition will be so loved by her older brothers.

My ultrasound is basically to monitor the baby for signs of heart failure and to make sure that our little gift is happy and enjoying his time in hotel mommy. We met with the Dr's at the hospital and they told us what to expect after he is born. His name should be Charlie cause he is holding a Golden Ticket into the NICU. Hopefully his stay will be rather uneventful and that he will be able to come home quickly.

Cheeky Monkey

It had been a while since I washed the bed spread on Daniel's bed so I took it off and put it in the laundry basket which Cesar was to take down for me. Later in the evening Daniel waked past the basket and precedes to give me what for. He apparently didn't think that it needed cleaning and took it back to his bed and made it. He came back to the bonus room and when I stood up telling him it need to be washed he blocked the hallway and said, "Your gonna have to cross da bridge". Both Cesar and I cracked up as this little 24 lb, almost three year old boy was being as cheeky as he could be.

Practice Makes Perfect

Little gift was really working out yesterday at the ultrasound. He is working so hard at learning and practicing to breath. It made the tech laugh so hard that she had to look away. She was trying to do a fetal echocardiogram and she kept getting distracted by his little belly pulsating so much. It was like he was in there showing all the neat things he was able to do. We even were able to watch his little lips open up and take in the fluid. He looked like a little fish. It was fun and great to be able to interact with him. He is about 3.5 lbs and has a little fat on his cheeks. He didn't put up his fists this time but he did make sure that he poked out his little chest and we were able to get a "textbook" fetal echocardiogram.
He still has a small hole in his heart, it's not causing to much of a concern for now but the valve that is leaking is allow quite a bit of blood to back flow. So with that we are to head in for an ultrasound every other week for the next little while. They would like to monitor this little fellow for signs of heart failure and fetal stress. Hubby and I also get to meet with the team of Neonatologists and NICU Nurses next week at the hospital to discuss more about his birth.
If all goes well we can still deliver at the hospital closest to my home. If things happen to change and he needs to come earlier that Aug 18th we will have to deliver at the hospital across town.
I hope that he comes out kicking and screaming and ready to take on the world. I hope that he keeps doing all he can to strengthen his lungs and become overly prepared for his grand entrance, which I hope not to be all that grand.

Seeking Perfection

If you look up the definition of perfect you will find this:

Perfect:
-entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings.
-accurate, exact, or correct in every detail.

I have thought, pondered, and asked my Heavenly Father to help me better understand His definition of perfect.
I have so many fears that bring utter despair into my heart. I can't and won't explain them for the biggest fear is that they might come true. I have been blessed, really blessed. I will have had 18 weeks to prepare my heart and to build up strength for his arrival. Some Mothers don't know until their dreams are shattered in a delivery room.

I keep searching and reading wonderful blogs and sites dedicated to wonderful, perfect children. I am thankful for the pictures and the words Mothers share. They bring me much more than they could ever know.

Here, I now set a new definition of perfect. It is a spirit that without having the ability to fully understand physical pain has chosen to remain faithful to Heavenly Fathers plan. It is a child born with a broken heart. It is a spirit that knows that no matter how they try will never be able to say I Love You. It is a spirit that will never take a breath. It is a child born with "defects".

There isn't a "defect" that will ever change my definition. They are all perfect.

Poem for Emily by Jacqueline Dooley

I thought of the minutes before
they said something was wrong,
when all was perfection
and I’d expected
the world
would let me be lucky
a bit longer.
But this is not my misfortune,
though I weep like it is.
No, this is not my misfortune
I’ll remind myself
when I imagine your face
how I wanted it to be.
Whole, in the gentle light
of the birthing room.
I’m so sorry for that false vision
that comes even now
as I learn to love the beauty
of your true face.
When the light hits your face
in four months
we’ll all realize
a new definition of perfect.

Driving Hazzards

Driving my van around the city with my three kids in the back usually goes without any problems. We go to and from the school, bus stop, trailer, ballet, taekwondo, and to do our many errands. Today was no exception. We got to Taekwondo without any problems and while Michael was doing his class I headed to the area Subway for a tasty pizza sub loaded with jalapenos. This happens to be the tastiest thing I have had in quite sometime and I can't get enough of them. Maybe it's the nitrates, cause they have the same effect on me as my ever coveted 7-11 hot dogs.
On the way home I got the strongest indigestion I have yet to experience. No it didn't come from the food, it was my two 7 year olds in the back of the van. My sweet little innocent Becca asked me, "Mom what is puck"? I couldn't believe my what my ears were hearing from my little lady. It was then Michael who joined in and said "Ya Mom, what does puck mean". So I explained that this wasn't a nice word and it was a swear word that we should never use. ( I am sure that it goes without saying that the word wasn't puck, but another four letter word.) I told them that it didn't really mean anything and people who use bad words say it. I asked where they had heard it and sure enough, it was at school. I told them how happy I was that they asked me what a word ment before they started using it and now that they know what it means they arn't to say it. Becca was sure surprised that it was even a "badder" word that stupid or shut up.
I wasn't and still not prepared for my kids to start to loose that innocence that I have tried to protect them from.
Needless to say, I still have the indigestion.

Baby Steps

I have posted ultrasound pictures on Facebook however I have left out this one. Here is a picture that shows our babies bilateral cleft lip. I am still having a hard time with all of this but there are more good days than bad ones. I'm taking baby steps. People and friends are finding out and it is hard to answer people when they ask how the baby is doing. I never know if they have heard the "gossip" or if they are just asking to be nice. It doesn't make a difference, he is fine. He is a normal little baby with a few extra heart sounds and a lip/mouth that did quite get enough time to fuse together. We have another ultrasound next week so hopefully we will get some good news and get a few more pictures.

Keep in mind he is 23 weeks at this point and I apologise that he is laying sideways. I tried to rotate the picture but it distorted it and made it look all wrong. So turn your head, go on. Cute eh? Okay the big black space is filled with his big wonderful brain. The two eye spaces do have eyeballs in them, trust me. I saw that during my last ultrasound and it was more creepy than the empty look. If you look at the bottom of his face you can see his chin. In between the eyes and the chin you can see his little nose and then his lips. From the upper lip to his nose are two dark lines that run up his face. This would be his bilateral cleft. The big large "ball" at the bottom (or right) of the face is his belly. His little fists are close to his chin and he is giving us the evil eye for spying on him and taking a look at this man bits.

So put up your dukes, this ones a real fighter.